As I was reading another blog post I found myself searching inside myself for the question she asked in her blog. As I began to reply to her post, I found myself coming to a few realizations I hadn’t put into words. As my life has been one battle after another since my tragic day in September, I have found I am both stronger, and more stable then I ever have been. It’s strange how that one day has changed my life so much. I don’t know what would have happened if that day had never happened, but I know for sure that the storm clouds were still billowing off the horizon. The time for preparation had passed. The truth was coming whether I wanted to hear it or not. My life was never going to be the same. This particular course made a lifetime of tragedy become a reality. Countless years of running, of hiding from the pain would no longer stay buried. The truth could no longer be tucked away and pretend as if it didn’t exist. Yes that day hurt many, that day perhaps destroyed relationships that maybe, could have been saved in time. Regardless of the past, the present is here and the truth is now that Jesus’s love saved me. My path is always fluid, always changing, but my faith in God is resolute. My faith in God is no longer based on the good things in life, the blessings I had been given. Once upon a time I believed that my Ex Wife was my blessing, a gift given to me by God because of years of suffering and keeping my faith. When that relationship was leaving I begged God to tell me what I had done wrong. I begged God why I was being punished. The revelation came when I realized it wasn’t God doing these things. It was free will, it was human sin that would cause the biggest change in my life. Now today I am on a new path, a new road and though I don’t know where I’m going, I know that by the night’s sky and God’s Devine intervention, I will reach my place.
Ever since my recovery last September I have been listening to KLove every day. As time moved on I was drawn to a particular song. As time moved on another song would take its place, then another, then another. It seemed as if I was being told something by God Himself. The first song Eye of the Storm by Ryan Stevenson. This reminded me that as dark as the sky gets and we feel like tomorrows sun will never shine, God is the anchor and will keep up safe in any storm. No matter if our friends and family have sold us out or forsaken us, God will never do that. The Next song that came up was One Step Away by Casting Crowns. As I entered the phase of wanting to go back to take it away, remove it from history and as I realized I would never be able to do that, God’s love was always there. It never mattered how far I went, as long as I was still breathing, I could change my course. My Ghost could be left in the past. One step from surrender, one step from Arms wide open. After that came What if I Gave Everything also by Casting Crowns. I realized my whole life I’d been running from my calling. All my life I felt like I wasn’t living up to my own potential. Why was I still standing there, why was I holding back from God. I then realized in order for me to finally find my own happiness I was going to have to let go. I was going to have to uproot my feet from the deep mud, and in my faith, step out onto that ledge, move that mountain, and venture away from my own comfort zone and trust, finally with all my heart, with all my soul, trust. The final song in my journey was Voice of Truth again by Casting Crowns. I had been told so many lies my whole life. I was told I wasn’t attractive enough, not strong enough, not fast enough. I was told I wouldn’t survive basic training. I was told I would never amount to anything. I believed them. I fought through basic and proved them wrong. This was one victory out of many I would let the lies fuel. The Voice of Truth would eventually tell me I was good enough, I would be fast enough when I needed to be. The Voice of Truth would tell me someone out there will love me for me. I will be good enough for the right person. The Devil’s lies had gotten ahold of me, and only when the time was right, I would be able to fight back. When i finally understood, finally let go of my own fears and I choose to listen to that voice in my head, the voice in my heart, the voice in my soul. In one foul swoop the Devil grabbed a hold of me and I nearly lost my life. I nearly fell into the Web Satan sets for us, and I nearly lost my life to that wretched spider. Instead I found Gods love, I found Gods grace as I was saved from the brink of death. I believe in the Son, the Holy Spirit, I believe I overcome by the power of his blood I was saved. I’m alive because He Lives. (Because He Lives, By Matt Maher). It took my whole life to find my place under Gods wing, and now I look for my place in this world. I have accepted my roll as a warrior for Christ, now I must seek my physical place. I have faith that God will provide the path when the time is right. I believe God’s grace will not leave me now. I believe in the power of prayer, and the power of Godly counsel.